Luxury of Anxiety

In my thirty plus years of working with people in Indianapolis Indiana, struggles with anxiety have come up most often in therapy sessions. Most people that I see are anxious about a variety of issues. They may ask themselves the following questions for the future:

Will I have enough money?
Is my partner right for me?
Will he/she leave me?
What will I do if ________ dies?
Will I ever be peaceful?
When will somebody love me?
Will I ever find happiness?
Will I lose my job?
How will I sabotage this?
What is the matter with me?
What is wrong with me?

Or a person may have anxiety about the past:

Why was I so stupid?
Why did I do that to myself?
Why did I make so many mistakes?
Didn’t I take in consideration of the consequences?
How I was blind sighted and didn’t see it coming?

Anxiety is a luxury in the sense that we really don’t need it. It does not help us survive. If a tiger charged at us we would either flee if we could or, if backed into a corner, we would fight for our life. If a tiger is not present, however, we could worry about what might happen if a tiger were to come into our space. Perhaps we may even believe that our anxiety about a tiger may help us prepare for survival if a tiger were to approach us one day.

Most people who come to see me don’t worry about tigers, but they do have their symbolic tigers that create anxiety. In the present economy, a person may worry about money. One may read about job losses and imagine losing their job. They could even take it to the imagined worse case scenario and think about homelessness. Anxiety often is the worse case scenario and, as we brace for the worst, our adrenaline is pumped, our heart beats faster, and we become mentally involved in our fantasy of anxiety. Our body is equipped for this sudden burst of energy when there is danger, but not all the time when we experience constant anxiety. Consequently, we may become physically tired and sometimes unwittingly cause the worse case scenario to happen because we are not in tune to the present.

The luxury of anxiety keeps us from enjoying the present. Generally, in the moment, we are actually quite safe. Anxiety often causes people to be less safe, however, particularly if something in our reality needs to be responded to. For example, if you are anxious about your relationship while driving in the car, you may fail to see that red light in front of you and could expose yourself to danger. If you are overly pre-occupied with the luxury of anxiety, you may not see your significant other person’s non verbal signs that they are unhappy. For example, you may not see or hear the verbal and physical cues around you and become “blind sighted” when your partner tells you that they are leaving. When we receive the consequences of not paying attention, we may self-loath, which is again the luxury of anxiety bordering on depression. If we continue on the treadmill of the luxury of anxiety, we continue to not see the world around us, with the consequences of a loss of intimacy, job or self-respect.

Some of us may take this anxiety and obsess and create rituals to keep our anxiety at a low level, which may include compulsive acts of counting or creating patterns to feel safe. This continues to debilitate us and make us more vulnerable, and we may not even notice the proverbial tiger in the room.

The key is to lessen anxiety and gently return to the reality of the present:
Some ways to reduce anxiety are the following:

Stay in the present moment (you are doing just fine sitting in that chair)
Breathe with your belly not with your shoulders or chest (deep breathing)
Remember that anxiety usually does not help you
Remember that life has infinite possibilities and your anxiety has just a few
Anxiety is just one or two of thousands of thoughts that you attach to in one hour
Engage in physical exercise to have an outlet for your anxiety
Nurture yourself and love yourself just the way you are
Focus on how you are safe this present moment
Ask if your negative anxiety thought is 100% true (Byron Katie)
Think of anxiety as apart from you and try not to engage or make it personal
Develop a meditative process to practice letting anxiety go

If anxiety is overwhelming, compulsive, and restricting your life, you may need some help to lessen anxiety by going to psychotherapy. If you believe that you cannot cope with your anxiety, talk therapy and/or medication is essential. A therapist can help you get to the root of the problem, as well as offer you some useful techniques.

Anxiety cheats us out of the safety of the present. Anxious thoughts are always about the future or the past; they are never about the present. Anxiety limits us from viewing all of the options available to us. Anxiety is a luxury we simply cannot afford.

Couples Fighting Text Message Wars

by Garth Mintun, LCSW, ACSW, CSW-G

Imagine you're sitting at home, your significant other is out and suddenly you receive a text message on your mobile phone. You read, “I am breaking up with you, I don’t love you anymore”. You then reply, “What…..what did I do to deserve this” . Hours later both are still texting on the cell phone with short cryptic angry, hurt messages with all thumbs. This has become a common ineffective avenue of fighting. These are unskillful methods of conflict resolution!

Does this sound like science fiction? In our private practice in Indianapolis, text messaging has become the norm for communication with traditional and non-traditional couples. It is happening with all ages from age 15 to age 55. Why are couples not talking directly to each other?! What happened to old fashioned verbal face to face discussions?
Text messaging is a very effective mechanism to send short few word messages like, “I am running late”,” pick up the kids at 5pm” “give me a call when your done”,etc... How did we go from practical short communication of easy to respond to questions and comments to expecting to have emotional intimacy via text messaging?

In our experience, text messaging stalking/warring is becoming widespread. One person is angry/hurt with the other, and texting is used to stonewall and/or attack the significant other. A barrage of “ why are you ignoring me”, verbal attacks, or worse still, “ are you with him/her, you expletive deletion #!!#!#!#”. Then the re-dial button with the text copied is hit, 50 times per hour and this starts the cyber stalking process. This sometimes escalates to physical violence when both parties meet.

As a psychotherapist I ask clients to stop fighting with text messaging. What I am told is that they “cannot stop”. Simple questions without intonations can sound like an innocent question/comments, however there is no insurance that the other will interpret the message as it was intended. It could sound like a demand or accusation to check up on a person like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING”, which could be interpreted as yelling. If the two people are not getting along, that simple question could be interpreted in many different ways and too often it is the worse case scenario that rules the mind. Assumptions and misinterpretations are common place without the benefit of verbal and nonverbal cues, in the absence of both of those the only data comes from cryptic text.

Text message is the worse way for couples to communicate emotional intimacy or to problem solve. E-mail is bad enough but at least you can be verbose. Text messaging is short and laborious, and often an impulsive expressions on a little phone screen where much of the message is left to the imagination and interpretation and the reaction is based on the FANTACY of what is meant.

Clients say to me, “it is much harder to talk face to face, we argue too much”. Lets examine that response. When two parties argue face to face, they see each other’s body language, intonations and can better know how their words are affecting the other. The couple can ask each other for clarification in real human time in front of each other. The tone of the words and remarks are more clearly communicated, thus preventing the imagination of the other to determine the tone in text messaging. Each person takes personal responsibility for what they say because they are saying it in actual real time with their words, body language and voices. There is less left to the imagination, hence less misunderstanding and misinterpretation which often escalates conflict and fallout.

I have a guess to why text messaging is so popular in these times. For many couples texting is used as a means of courting and is felt to be romantic, interpreted as a means of flirting, showing interest, and signaling to each other that they are being thought of, touching base. The problem is that when people use text messaging to communicate emotional intimacy and/or to avoid emotional intimacy, the consequence too often results in unresolved hurt feelings and anger. Text messaging is too often used to avoid the face to face communication of difficult topics.

I ask my clients not to text unless it is purely logistics, like, “I’m not able to pick up the kids on time, can you? or running 10 minutes late” . I encourage them not to communicate their pain, or try to resolve problems via text messaging. I also indicate that if an innocent communication begins to become conflictual via texting, that they table that dialogue until they can sit together and discuss or have a telephone conversation.

Some people are emotionally addicted to text messaging and I ask them to ban text messaging completely unless it is used for work. This is difficult for many clients because they feel at a loss without the constant contact with the other person and actually feel emotional pain of withdrawal and feel rejected. I ask them to talk about their feelings with the other person face to face, and if that is too difficult they can both come in and talk with me in the office.

If you find yourself dependent on emotional text messaging, make an effort to stop. This medium does not work effectively and can be guaranteed to cause you emotional distance with your partner. If you cannot stop texting, get professional help, you probably have difficulty in expressing yourself with the other person and this points to emotional intimacy difficulties. You and your partner have a better chance at achieving a meaningful conversation if you make a phone call or wait to see each other in person. If you continue to have problems, you may want to contact a professional relationship counselor/psychotherapist for help in improving the communication with your partner.

Remember direct one to one contact with your loved one is what attracted you in the first place. Don’t sell your relationship short by text message wars.

Don’t Wait to Save Your Relationship

by Garth Mintun, LCSW, ACSW

In my Indianapolis Indiana private practice, often people come in when they are at the breaking point in a long troubled marriage and about to separate or feel hopeless about a long standing “loveless marriage” for many years. In other words, the relationship or marriage is in an emergency or dying state and only intensive crisis work can save the relationship. Often one partner does not have the patience to wait, the desire for change or the hope of repair to invest in the intensive relationship work that psychotherapy or couple work requires.

When couples come in with emergency status, there often are so many long standing negative patterns that it is challenging, even with professional therapy, to salvage the relationship.

The optimal time for a couple to seek counseling is when the problems are relatively young, the couple is not disenchanted with each other, and contempt and or detachment have not taken over the relationship. This early intervention increases the chances of working out their relationship satisfactory.

The best time to begin couple counseling is when there are small troubles with the relationship. Let me list the possible signs that signal need for help:
1. He/she does not listen to me
2. He/she is holding back their feelings
3. He/she roll their eyes
4. She/he is physically present but not emotionally with me
5. I miss the romance that I once had with him/her
6. We never seem to resolve our verbal fights
7. We don’t seem to ever make time together
8. I imagine how my life would be simpler if I was single
9. I lost my best friend
10. She/he does not seem happy
11. I am not as happy as I used to be in my relationship
12. She/he is never home
13. She/he says hurtful things and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings
14. She/he never validates me or gives me appreciation I want
15. We don’t have sex very often and it is not as good as it used to be
16. I constantly find myself jealous of others
17. He/she is constantly jealous of me for nothing
18. I love him/her but I am not in love
19. We constantly verbally fight about little things that don’t matter
20. Every time we fight, he/she throws the kitchen sink at me

These signs can be alerts that harmful relationship patterns are forming, and seeking help when these behaviors and responses are few increases the success of the relationship.
All twenty signs are symptomatic of larger relationship stressors and if not addressed will mushroom and beget many smaller problems until there are significant relationship breakdowns and serious symptoms. These symptoms can come in the form of emotional and physical affairs, separation and sometimes domestic violence.
With one or just a few of these problems taken care of early when they first arise by seeing a professional psychotherapist, often at this stage the relationship is strengthened resulting in more intimacy and satisfaction. However untreated, these problems spiral out of control and couples go into crisis mode, often beyond the point of recovery.

If some of these problems are present in your relationship, don’t hesitate to get help from a professional. If you catch these problems earlier, you will go to counseling for a shorter time, will be less expensive in time and money and emotional harm, and you will probably develop a more loving and satisfying relationship.

Controlling Anxiety about the Economy

by Garth Mintun, LCSW, ACSW, CSW-G

Many people come to my Indianapolis Indiana private psychotherapy practice alarmed with “stress”, “anxiety attacks” and “panic attacks”. The common themes of concern are often external events like relationships, the economy, hardships of the family and financial issues. Often people judge themselves based on their past decisions and worry about how they will handle future events. Stress, anxiety, anxiety attacks and panic attacks can be traced on a continuum of fear, with the severity of stress on the one side and panic attacks being the most severe. Full flung panic attack consists of a simulation of the person losing control and being “blind sighted” into abject fear.

Many of us have fear about the economy. We read the papers and internet bloggers about where the economy may go in the future. We hear the pundits on TV warning us about the “Great Depression”. Perhaps we go to survivalist web site and hear their dire predictions of the end of the world as we know it. Our imaginations can be crueler than the reality of the present situation. We scare ourselves with our imagination and that can be augmented by the joining of other people’s imaginations. Unfortunately we also torture ourselves by the worst case scenario over and over , sometimes on a daily basis.

My suggestion: Be here in the present now! Look at the situation right now. Are you breathing? Do you have food on the table and a roof over your head today? If the answer to those questions is yes, reality is kinder than our imagination.

When you think of the worst case scenario, are you dismissing the infinite scenarios of the universe? Perhaps with an economic recession we will have to tighten our budgets. For example, we may have to take a job that pays less for awhile, which is not the worst case scenario of being homeless. Are you homeless now? Maybe your are looking for another job and sent out 10 resumes over the internet. Perhaps a reframe is that money is tight, but I have a roof over my head right now, I have food today and I sent out ten resumes towards a potential new job.

Even if the worst case scenario happened, the reality of it would be kinder than our imagination. People lived through the Great Depression and people lived through the double digit inflation times of the 70’s with a gas shortage. When we have a real and present danger in life, we act and don’t have to think about it. If we are in danger we are either in fight or flight. If a bear comes after us, we either protect ourselves from the bear or we run. and we don’t imagine what to do, we just do it. When we imagine a bear attacking us, we still go through the fight or flight survival mode in our minds, even if the bear is not really attacking us. We tend to go in survival mode, have heart palpitations, adrenalin is released and we go into “bear survival mode”. Often anxiety and stress takes place when there is no bear in the room, no homelessness, no starvation, we just worry about those possibilities by creating the “bear survival mode”. After doing this over and over again, we become exhausted and tired. Either we cannot fall asleep or sleep too much. The stress of our imagined future fears or anxiety may cause us to overindulge in food, alcohol, chemical substance, shopping, gambling or a host of other compulsive activities to numb us from feeling the pain of “bear survival mode” If we keep this going then we can make ourselves physically weaker from the stress and then we have new problems to worry about. All this is un-necessary if we stay with the reality of the present.

Please understand I am not encouraging you to be passive. Instead, focus on what can be done, become pro-active and plan for the future without scaring yourself about the future. Look at job options, the second part time job to earn more money, and manage problems with your health and your prized relationships. Be interested and curious about your process of “catastrophizing” and exaggerating the future, allow yourself to catch yourself in those dire thoughts and fantasies, and notice that in the present those events and circumstances are not present in your life at this moment, and remind yourself the future is still unknown. Name your projections into the future so that you begin to distinguish the present from future fears, and remember your own history of overcoming adversity, take stock of the wisdom of your life experience.

In summary, when you are emotionally triggered to go to the worst case scenario , go back to the present reality and ask yourself what is going on that minute. Are you breathing, do you have a roof over your head tonight , do you have food ? Ask if the less adverse scenarios are equally true or more true the worst case scenario. Finally be kind to yourself because the only thing any of us have is the present reality and all the other dire thoughts are negative places. Be kind and be present!